GG (April, 2006), someday you'll think these same thoughts:Today, a glorious Sin Diego fall day, I walked up Cowles Mountain (hill) with my three-year-old son. I didn't surf and haven't surfed in the last week, despite the swell. My wife is pregnant and quite ill. I've been on daddy and domestic duty. Delightful and delightful.
Sometime about half way through our walk I surveyed east San Diego and the near suburb of La Mesa, I saw the lake that I run around, pushing a stroller or laboring through predawn miles so I don't miss out on family or surf time later in the day/week. I saw the highways, everywhere highways, that I travel daily for sixty miles. I saw the little canyon that leads to my house from the lake. I saw the hazy western horizon and knew the sea, and decent surf, lay beyond, me missing it. I reflected on my current life. 31 years old, 8 years building a beautiful family with my wife, 9 years in a career I love. I do things I like all the time. I surf, I get outdoors, I create.
Then came the panic. In the midst of my comfortable, rewarding, suburban, middle-class, generally very happy life came a moment of Peter Panic. Is there enough time in this life to do all the things I dream? Do I have the courage to step off the well worn path at opportune times in order to expand my vision? What sacrifices must be made to stretch beyond the routine, regardless of how comfortable that routine may be, in order to encounter new and enriching experiences? How much time do I have on this earth? How is that time best spent?
My Father is a man of exceeding spiritual faith. I find this endearing and vexing. I wish the easy answers of faith came to me without drag-out battles of the mind that leave me with only meager satisfaction. Then I might be able to answer those most weighty of questions.
For now, in this moment, I will rest in the beauty of my life and try to follow the wise, petulant advise of Peter Pan, "Think of a wonderful thing, it's the same as having wings!" Then I can fly. But to where? And for to what end?
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13 comments:
Beautifull! I really like honest people!
Eef
monsterboards.org
you are already there
Eef, Ridgy-
I appreciate your comments. Maybe I am there...
Great post. There are many of us that are in a way torn between our adventurous aspirations and the realities of father/husband-hood.
great post. well written. you captured the very sentiment I grapple with....and i'm a mom.
My son is at work with me today, he's ten, his name is Ben. You seem like a good guy, thanks for posting.
yo andrew, i dont know your dad but, maybe his flight might be a good one to chase...there is someone outside ourselves....
soulglider
I loved your post. I feel like that a lot. I used to surf 5 days a week and now I have a couple kids and it's hard to get out with the schedule we have. Some Buddhist philosophies helped me to be content...just enjoying the moment of now and not being attached to the past or what's in the future. It's harder said than done though. Good luck with the new one. :)
I hear you mate. I hear you.
Thanks for all the earnest comments. spreading the catharsis a bit thin at the moment...
"In faith there is enough light for those who want to believe, and enough shadows to blind those who don't."
Blaise Pascal
Killer post. I'm 32, married, no kids. I think I'm ready, but are we ever? A friend told me "being a dad is tougher than you thought, but better than you thought it could be". Sounds about right.
Thanks for the comments. This morning my son said, "I had a dream about going surfing with daddy...when the water is much warmer." :)
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